The Hollywood Home Guard Protecting Your Freedoms…Maybe?

The Hollywood Home Guard Protecting Your Freedoms…Maybe?
By Tom McHale

AmmoLand would like to introduce our readers to Tom McHale of My Gun Culture and welcome his satirical take on gun news and politics. Hopefully this will be the first of many lighthearted articles from Tom. Be Sure and visit his blog MyGunCulture.com

Colt 1895 Potato Digger
Colt 1895 Potato Digger
My Gun Culture
My Gun Culture

USA –-(Ammoland.com)- We love good stories. One of the more interesting stories we’ve heard is that of the Paramount Home Guard, courtesy of the NRA Museum’s William B. Ruger’s special Hollywood Guns exhibit.

The Paramount Home Guard was founded by famed Hollywood Director Cecil B. DeMille in response to the threat posed by the outbreak of World War I.

Just in case the war in Europe spread to our shores, DeMille launched a program to train a cadre of stagehands, studio technicians, and actors in the art of warfare. This was a brilliant move. What more ferocious fighter is there than an attitudinal hairdresser? With really spiffy uniforms fabricated by the Paramount Studios costume department (we’re guessing that everyone except the key grip and best boy held a rank of Colonel or better and sported superbly fitted tunics), the Paramount Home Guard certainly would have stunned any invading force into submission, gotten some great photos on the red carpet, or at least invited the enemy to a quality awards show.

But DeMille was serious about equipping the actor-army with real guns. After teaming up with James Stembridge, founder of famous Hollywood gun supplier Stembridge Gun Rentals, somewhere around 1913, he had the wherewithal to borrow some of Stembridge’s collection for guard use – including the Colt 1895 ‘Potato Digger’ featured in the NRA Museum display.

Clearly, our home shores were in safe hands during World War I – thanks to the make-up artists, hair stylists, casting directors, and actors of Paramount Studios. But would we be as prepared today?

What if another war to end all wars breaks out? Could we rely on Hollywood to defend our homeland?

Well, as long as Chuck Norris is around, obviously yes. But what if Chuck is busy filming at some distant locale? Like most good military operations, I think a multiple team approach is probably how it would go down.

First, you have the Hollywood version of Seal Team Six. The A-Team. You know, the go-to folks who are as [email protected] in real life as in the movies.

  • Bruce Willis as John McClane (Die Hard): “Nine million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with feet smaller than my sister.” …VS… Bruce Willis as Bruce Willis: “If you take guns away from legal gun owners then the only people who would have guns would be the bad guys.”
  • Tom Selleck as Matthew Quigley: [Quigley shoots Dobkin, O'Flynn and Marston before they can even aim their guns, then walks up to a dying Marston] “I said I never had much use for one. Never said I didn't know how to use it. …VS… Tom Selleck as Tom Selleck: “To me, the excitement is in ordering a fine shotgun, going through the process that everybody who has bought one has gone through for 100 years. You order it, you make a significant down payment, and then you wait three or four years for the gun to be custom-made for you.”
  • Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry: “But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and will blow you head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself a question: “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya, punk?” …VS… Clint Eastwood as Clint Eastwood: “But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and will blow you head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself a question: “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya, punk?”

Actress Eva Longoria is known to be proficient with a gun, as is Dennis Franz of NYPD Blue fame. James Earl Jones not only sounds tough and scary, but is an NRA member. He could probably talk the enemy into a whimpering surrender. If silent sniping skills are required, actress and Olympian archer Geena Davis shoots a wicked bow and arrow.

Then you have the backup team that you hope never sees the front lines – F Troop. The ‘do as i say, not as I do’ crowd. You know, the ones that are happy to make millions playing with guns on TV, but run to Bijan on Rodeo Drive for more Designer Depends at the sight of a real gun. While details are classified, word is that this team skips out of the Cannes Film Festival for an hour or so each year to train with the French Military on advanced surrender techniques including high-speed retreat, capitulation, and appeasement.

While this team includes 99.64% of Hollywood, there are some standouts…

  • Daniel Craig as James Bond: “Do you want a clean kill or do you want to send a message?” …VS… Daniel Craig as Daniel Craig: “I hate handguns. They are used to shoot people and as long as they are around, people will shoot each other.”
  • Sylvester Stallone as Rambo: “I could have killed 'em all, I could kill you. In town you're the law, out here it's me. Don't push it. Don't push it or I'll give you a war you won't believe.” …VS… Sylvester Stallone as Sylvester Stallone: “Until America, door to door, takes every handgun, this is what you're gonna have… It really is pathetic… We're livin' in the Dark Ages over there.”

Throw in a couple of Matt Damons and Dennis Quaids and the F Troop is good to go.

At least we can always count on them to clog up the freeways with their hybrid Bentley’s to slow an attacking force.

About:
Tom McHale describes himself as a conservative gun-totin’ bible-clingin’ literary assault dude who enjoys finding humor in just about anything. His web blog My Gun Culture is an irreverent, twisted look at gun news bordering on the ridiculous. It covers shootin’ stuff, loud noises, defending your own, the occasional mall ninja, and about 200 years of the American way. “These are the (partially) true stories of… My Gun Culture” says Tom. Visit: www.mygunculture.com

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Tom
Tom
9 years ago

Thanks folks! Looking forward to sharing some yarns with all y'all!

Ted Law
Ted Law
9 years ago

Yeah what he said…Nice to see something other than hard core news, hope to see more from MyGunCulture guy.

Equal Justce
Equal Justce
9 years ago

, funny article and welcome to ammoland.