Zombie Survival Tools That Might Prove Useful

By Thomas Conroy

United Cutlery M48 Apocalypse Tactical Tomahawk
United Cutlery M48 Apocalypse Tactical Tomahawk
AmmoLand Gun News
AmmoLand Gun News

Midwest –-(Ammoland.com)- You thought Zombies were officially dead, right? Well, they are dead. Or at least undead. Whatever.

While the huge zombie craze in the firearms industry from a few years back doesn’t appear to dig its way back to the surface anytime soon, zombies are still big in pop culture. The show The Walking Dead just started season five, and SyFy has announced that the decaying ghouls of Z Nation have been reanimated for the second season.

And don’t forget, you can also check out the Euro-Zombie flick Dead Snow 2, Red vs Dead, which is sort of like Enemy At The Gates meets Sam Raimi’s original 1981 The Evil Dead.

With all the attention that animated flesh-eating corpses get on the silver screen, it’s no wonder that there are still quite a few zombie-themed products out there, with new ones popping up all the time.

With that in mind, I’ve compiled a list of some of those, with an eye toward things that may look outlandish or goofy at first, but might have some actual utility beyond their anti-zombie roles.

SURVIVAL TOOLS THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE USEFUL

  1. Renegade Zombie Killer Machete

You can instantly tell this wicked blade is designed for making Fresh Zombie Julienne because it says “Zombie Killer” right there on the blade. Plus it has that icky, chartreuse-green wrapped handle. If it were meant for vampire killing, the handle would be black and red, of course.

Kidding mostly aside, this blade gets good reviews on Amazon, as several users report it is surprisingly sharp. With its zombilicious styling, it just might be goofy enough to persuade any teenager in your house that maybe cutting that brush along the fence line in the backyard might be ghoulishly fun. But then again probably not.

Either way, large sharp blades are always handy to have around for all sorts of job, even if you aren’t lopping undead heads.

Ultimate Survival Tool: Renegade Zombie Killer Machete
Renegade Zombie Killer Machete
  1. United Cutlery Apocalypse Tomahawk 

This little beauty tries to stay subtle, and somewhat understated by omitting the word “Zombie” that we all know should immediately precede the word “Apocalypse” in its name. We can, however, immediately deduce its true intended purpose by that telltale nasty shade of chartreuse on the handle. Can’t fool us, this thing is a Zombie Chopper!

Even if you don’t have any undead zeds to deal with, tomahawks have been great tools for hundreds of years. Any limbs too big for the Renegade Zombie Killer Machete to lop can easily be cut off using this tomahawk. Get them both, and you’ll be clearing brush and cutting trails, uh, I mean battling zombies in fantastic color-coordinated style. Check out at that high rating customers give it!

United Cutlery M48 Apocalypse Tactical Tomahawk
United Cutlery M48 Apocalypse Tactical Tomahawk
  1. Birchwood Casey Darkotic Targets 

While there’s a certain Medieval elan to dispatching zombies with sharp pointy things, nothing beats modern firearms technology for solving undead problems. Of course, before you take on a shambling horde of animated corpses, you’ll want to practice – a lot.

That’s where the Darkotic series of targets by Birchwood Casey  come in. In order to defeat your enemy, you need to know what he looks like, right? These splatter targets let you practice facing off with all sorts of ghouls and goblins, plus the top color flakes off, so you can see where your rounds struck the target. Gotta practice those headshots with zombies, remember?

Available at all sorts of outlets, including Brownells, these targets are a scream. There’s a Zombie Butcher run amok with a meat cleaver. A Zombie Jackalope leers at you from the small game hunt of your nightmares. And then there are the Zombie Garden Gnomes. Defend your yard flamingos from a fate worse than death!

The practical side of these targets is that they are fun to shoot. And we all need more marksmanship practice than we get. Here’s a great excuse to get out to the range and burn up some of that ammo you’ve been hoarding. What are you waiting for, a Zombie Apocalypse or something?

Birchwood Casey Darkotic Splattering Targets
Birchwood Casey Darkotic Splattering Targets
  1. A Game Feeder

What, exactly, does a Game Feeder have to do with zombies? According to the National Wildlife Federation Blog, wild animals are probably our best defense against zombies. In a short video at the blog, experts theorize that common black bears – big fans of carrion, walking or otherwise – could each probably eat dozens of zombies, especially the slow, shuffling kind that frequently say “Arrrrrgh.”

Other wild critters are known to like carrion, and thus would see zombies as a mobile buffet. Some of the dead-flesh-eaters include possums, coyotes, vultures, feral hogs, and even bald eagles. I have personally seen seven bald eagles perched on and around a roadkill deer carcass, and they seemed to be enjoying themselves immensely. I can only imagine what such a flock could do to a slow-moving zombie. Not only is our national symbol a majestic bird of prey, they’re also our last best winged-hope against a zombie outbreak.

Especially if you live in a rural area, setting up a game feeder like Wildgame Innovations 40 Gallon Digital Poly Barrel Feeder,  might just be your secret weapon against the Zombie Apocalypse. Not only would it benefit the local wildlife, it would give you great animal-watching opportunities. It might even give you an excuse to get your hunting license, maybe a trail camera, and that rifle or bow you’ve had your eye on. Hey, it’s to protect your household from the zombies! It’d be irresponsible not to!

Wildgame Innovations 40 Gallon Digital Poly Barrel Feeder
Wildgame Innovations 40 Gallon Digital Poly Barrel Feeder

1.Zombie-Proof Cabin

Now this one will stretch your wallet a bit, to the tune of £69,995, or about $112,333 U.S. But the Zombie-Proof Cabin looks to have just about everything you’d need for the ultimate in backwoods undead security.

It comes with a roof that doubles as a firing deck, barbed wire perimeter fence, built-in arsenal room, protected gardening space, kitchen with microwave, even the most modern TV and Xbox entertainment system. You can add extras like search lights, solar panels, even your own suit of riot-gear armor for hand-to-hand zombie combat, should the worst happen.

Just plunk this beauty down in your favorite patch of woods, and put up your game feeder to attract a bunch of anti-zombie wildlife. Then set up your practice range in the front yard with the Darkotic zombie targets to keep your skills sharp. You can then trim back the undergrowth and create shooting lanes with your anti-zombie tomahawk and machete, and keep them both handy, just in case you run out of ammo.

Tiger Log Cabins Zombie Fortification Cabin
Tiger Log Cabins Zombie Fortification Cabin

Hey, it’s just your life, and the future of human civilization we’re talking here. Get out there, and start shopping!

Thomas Conroy is a firearms aficionado and writer who lives in the Midwest.

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